From the mouth of...
"Labor rules out bringing GST in line with Bill Shorten's approval rating.”
- Headline in The Shovel, a satirical magazine.
The Shovel also announced the sale of the Tony Abbott Memorial Tea Towel:
"We know, it seems like just yesterday that our 28th Prime Minister was at the helm, leading us forward with that adorable mix of casual incompetence and effortless weirdness. But his time in office need not be forgotten. With a Tony Abbott Memorial Tea Towel you can wipe away the tears (or the memories) and keep your dishes dry at the same time.
Just $20 + p/h, and with his years in office (2013-1955) tastefully displayed, it will be a collector’s item to treasure for years to come. Let’s be honest, how else are you going to explain the Abbott years to your grandkids."
Some lightly salted absurdities from all over...
At the extreme left-hand of the bell curve
A woman phoned the Poison Control Center because she caught her little daughter eating ants. She was reassured her that the ants were not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.
She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
Things to worry about
Reginald Gildersleeve, 55 and free on bail with an extensive rap sheet, was waving a gun as he threatened a clerk and tried to rob a store in Chicago on Halloween night.
Until a customer (licensed to carry) drew his own gun and, with multiple shots, killed Gildersleeve. Closer inspection revealed Gildersleeve’s weapon to be merely a paintball gun, leading the deceased man’s stepson to complain later that “Some people [the licensed shooter] don’t actually know how to use guns.”
But it looks like the customer did. Or was the stepson suggesting that one shot would have been enough?
Keeping W&D awake at night
The six-year-old son of Martha Miele emulated the actions of his favorite “Power Rangers” characters, he pretended to shoot a bow and arrow at another student at Our Lady of Lourdes in Cincinnati in October.
Did the Principal:
a) congratulate the boy on his imagination;
b) send the boy to archery classes, to learn the real thing;
c) tell the boy that a bow and arrow was, well, passé, and perhaps a laser gun was more appropriate; or
d) give the boy a three-day out-of-school suspension, because he had “no tolerance” for “any” “real, pretend, or imitated violence.”
Close. But no cigar. The correct answer is d). An exasperated Martha Miele confessed she was at a loss about how a six-year-old boy is supposed to block out the concept of a super-hero fighter.
And instead imagine, say, a super-hero school principal?
Have a wry and dry weekend