Author: Anthony Starkins

WRY & DRY #34 FY-24. Invade, but not yet. Power. Local taxes.

Last week, Albo went back to the 1950s to build an Australian manufacturing sector to compete with… China. This week, Defence Minister Marles went forward to the 2030s with a massive re-armament programme to compete against… China.

Some $50 billion of new dosh over the next decade will be spent on new toys. But almost no new serious capability will be delivered for at least 10 years.

Albo has been on the phone to Emperor Eleven to ask if China will hold off invading until 2035.

Wry & Dry #33 FY-24. Back to the Future. Naked opportunism. Exempt me from 30% super tax.

Yesterday, Albo hopped into his flux-capacitor driven DeLorean and flew Australia back to the 1950s. Where it will convert into an FJ Holden world of tariffs and high costs.

Albo’s uncosted ‘Future Made in Australia policy’ dwarfed last week’s heady announcement of $1 billion of we-the-taxpayers’ money going to the feel-good cause of manufacturing solar panels. This is “No Australian child will ever live in poverty” (they still do) revisited, touched with “We will plant one billion trees” (we didn’t).

Wry & Dry #32 FY-24. Bumper post-Easter issue.

Robert Kennedy is an American environmental lawyer who promotes anti-vaccination misinformation and public health conspiracies. With an energetic blend of left-wing idealism and right-wing conspiracy theories, in his own mind he is the perfect person to challenge Sleepy Joe and the Trumpster for leadership of the free world. Which he has done.

His many university degrees will not help him as much as his name. Insert a middle initial, add a post-nominal indulgence and plain Robert Kennedy becomes Robert F. Kennedy Junior. He is a (cue drum-roll)… ‘Kennedy’.

Wry & Dry #31 FY-24 Where 88% is a fail. Where’s Dan? Useful idiot.

Tsar Vlad threw himself at the feet of his subjects. And begged to be re-elected for the 5th time. To make it easier for his subjects to vote for him, he wisely banned all opposition parties.

Under those circumstances, he really should have got at least 100% of the vote. So, an 88% result is a dismal failure.

Wry & Dry #30 FY-24 AUKUS. Sleepy Joe goes all in. Feeding the chooks.

The sound of the unwrapping of the French-equivalent-of-Ikea packaging in Adelaide should have commenced this year.

And Croesus Turnbull probably would have been there. With a bottle of cheap French champagne on hand, he would have turned the first Allen key to piece together the first of the French- designed submarines for the Royal Australian Navy.

Wry & Dry #29 of FY-24. Mercy Rule. By-elections. Military unintelligence.

The USA gave the world the ‘mercy rule’. This is where in a two-competitor sport, the game will end earlier than the prescribed endpoint because one competitor has a very large and presumably insurmountable lead.

Last weekend the authoritative New York Times/Siena College Poll had the Trumpster leading Sleepy Joe by 48% to 43%. It’s now time for Sleepy Joe to apply the mercy rule. And give himself the DCM.

Wry & Dry #28 of FY-24. Gender Equality. Nuclear. Spies.

The rest of the world: focused on Gaza, Ukraine and/or the Trumpster’s latest rambling monologue to bovine masses.

The Australian media: transfixed by the results of the most read survey since Publius Sulpicius Quirinius carried out a census in Judea in 6 AD. That survey (not the one by Quirinius) was by the Workplace Gender Equality Agency (WGEA). It’s a shocker.

Wry & Dry #27 of FY-24. Navalny. Border dogs. Barnaby.

The world was distracted by the Trumpster’s court-imposed penalty, the Super Bowl and the mess in Gaza. Then the murder of Aleksei Navalny awoke the world to the evil that is Tsar Vlad. At least for a short time.

The circumvolutive explanation of Navalny’s death from ‘sudden death syndrome’ would be laughable if it didn’t turn back the clock to the awful era of Stalin.

Wry & Dry #25 of FY-24. Swiftie. Communicator. Holding Your Breath.

Wry & Dry’s man in Mar-a-Lago reports that the Trumpster and his MAGA acolytes now believe that his enemy is not Sleepy Joe. Or Nikki Haley. But, in fact, Taylor Swift.

Not that Ms. Swift has gone out of her way to get under his skin, as Ms. Haley has done. All Ms. Swift has done is be more popular than he.

Wry & Dry #24 of FY-24. Brainless and invertebrate. “Keep it up-vibe…” Trusts’ tax.

It’s obvious. The Prime Minister doesn’t have a spine. And the Leader of the Opposition doesn’t have a brain.

If Readers hadn’t already drawn this conclusion before spending the summer swimming in the pristine waters of Port Phillip Bay or safely in Sydney Harbour, then the new year’s emissions of cant and idiocy from these two icons of incompetence will have settled any doubt.

Wry & Dry #23 FY-24. Bumper Christmas Issue

Wry & Dry needs to remind himself, and perhaps some Readers, of the major global events of 2023:

Jacinda Ardern, the Queen of Woke and Incompetence, gave herself the DCM

In an outcome that surprised the world, Emperor Eleven was unanimously re-elected as President of China

In a bullet fired into Tsar Vlad’s foot by Tsar Vlad, Finland became the 31st member of NATO.

Wry & Dry #22 FY-24. Emeritus Chairman Dan’s resume. Hamas: making money. GDP per capita falls.

It was feeding time at the media zoo on Wednesday. Hot on the heels of the PISA report showing that 26% of Victorian 15-year-olds’ educational proficiency was too low “to enable them to participate effectively and productively in life,” the long-awaited Ombudsman’s report into the Victorian public service under Emeritus Chairman Dan Andrews was fed to the salivating media mouths.

There was more than enough for indigestion. Victoria’s public service, the Ombudsman’s massive report said, is “ruled at the highest level by a culture of fear.” No subtlety there.

Wry & Dry #21 FY-24. Heaven: a busy week. Dubai: COP that. US: Haley’s comet.

It’s been a busy week at the Members’ Entrance to the pearly gates to heaven.

On Tuesday Charlie Munger arrived in a limmo longer than a bus. Charlie was Warren Buffett’s conservative investment alter ego. He arrived and immediately began arguing with St Peter about heaven’s recent investments (remembering that time doesn’t matter in heaven): “That St Peter’s Basilica property development in Rome was a waste of money.”

Wry & Dry #20 FY-24: Optus: J’Accuse …! Inflation. Netherlands.

It took an hour for Marie Antionette to be taken from her cell to the Place de la Révolution. On the way to the guillotine, she was jeered and abused by the Parisienne Mob. The Mob wanted a head on a platter. And it got it.

More recently, it took three days for Optus CEO Kelly Bayer Rosmarin to go from appearing before a Senate Committee to self-decapitation.

Wry & Dry #19 FY-24: Albo: What. Me worry? UK: sinking ship. Israel: maths.

Political opinion polls published on Monday screamed gloom for Albo. His preferred PM rating had fallen to 40% from 47%.

In response, Albo gave the Alfred E Neuman comment. Well, he actually didn’t say it. He didn’t need to: the same poll showed the Coalition’s primary support falling to 30%. Albo will be soundly sleeping; albeit in the pointy end of a Qantas A380.

Wry & Dry #18 FY-24: China: Echo Wall. Epidemics: RDS. Iran.

The news last week that former PM Keating had lost it completely with a recurrence of RDS was only a modest surprise. The bad news this week is that RDS is spreading.

Readers will recall that former PM Scott Morrison hailed his 2019 election victory as a miracle, for which he himself was entirely responsible. Clearly hoping to repeat the miracle in the epicentre of miracles, Morrison flew into Israel over the weekend.

Wry & Dry #17 FY-24: China. Keating. Anti-Semitism.

Some weeks ago, Wry & Dry suggested that the incoming head of the Productivity Commission Ms. Michelle Wood might get the DCM before starting her job. Her then sin was proposing an inheritance tax.

Wry & Dry mused then that perhaps she suffered from RDS. Proposing an inheritance tax certainly got the headlines.

But then on Wednesday, she again put her head above the parapet.

Wry & Dry #16 FY-24: Trumpster: diary. Anti-Semitism mask. Albo’s straining belt buckle.

Saturday: Florida. Played golf with some champion golfers. An Irish fella called McIlroy, a chick from South Korea, Jin Young Ko and a bloke named Tiger something. I WON!

Sunday: New Hampshire. Spoke at a rally. Told them “I don’t mind being Nelson Mandela.” I am willing to GO TO JAIL to defend democracy. Mandela was a patriot, like me. India should be proud of him.

Monday…

WRY & DRY #15 FY-24: Voice over. Sleepy Joe’s great speech. Never mess with a nun.

The Voice debacle gave rise to claims and counter claims that would make a lawyer richer than Croesus. The most risible was from journalists, newspaper-letter-writers and deniers who blamed the loss on Opposition Leader Peter Dutton.

Really? Dutton would be pleased to claim he single-handedly defeated a campaign backed by the full forces of the government, the ACTU, an overwhelming casket of cash, the major churches, large companies, universities, the major sporting codes, major industry superannuation funds and… Alan Joyce. SuperDutton? Yeah. Nuh.

Wry & Dry #14 FY-24: Yes/No/Maybe. Gaza: history and thoughts. US: constipated.

The massacre and kidnappings of Israelis by Hamas terrorists that occurred just north of the Gaza Strip have rightly sickened most of the world. And the self-righteous triumphalism by Australian anti-Semites has ripped the cover off their latent hatred.

Wry & Dry writes of this subject carefully. And asks Readers to also read carefully.

Wry & Dry #13 FY-24: Disaster: Chairman Dan’s DCM. Trumpster the fraudster. PwC.

In a DCM-move that surprised many, Chairman Dan gave himself the DCM on Tuesday. This is a disaster of great magnitude.

Cartoonists all over Australia have lost a subject that yielded the Everest of political satire and ridicule. They feasted on the opportunity provided by arguably the most hated politician since Julius Caesar, whose DCM, unlike Chairman Dan’s, was not self-inflicted and caused by 27 knife wounds from six grumpy conspirators.

Emboldened by his own outstanding oratory and aided by an Opposition as weak as the Wallabies and as divided as post-war Germany, a fawning media and an upper house cross bench that were easily bought, he bestrode the political world like a colossus.

Wry & Dry #12 FY-24: Albo channels Sir Humphrey. Crisis. What crisis? Net-zero delayed.

“No Minister, I beg you,” replies Sir Humphrey. “A basic rule of government is never look into anything you don’t have to, and never set up an inquiry unless you know in advance what its findings will be.”

And with this exemplar of responsible government at the forefront of his mind, Albo has set up an inquiry into Covid that is without teeth, ears and eyes.

WRY & DRY #11 FY-24: Inheritance tax? Q just won’t go away. Deja vu all over again.

In a media debut up there with Moses publishing the Ten Commandments, the incoming Productivity Commissioner on Monday called for the re-introduction of inheritance taxes. Ms. Danielle Wood got the gig only last week.

Ms. Wood could make history. Her role doesn’t commence until November, and she could get the DCM two months before starting her job. In fact, to give herself even more of the attention she clearly craves, she should give herself the DCM.

Wry & Dry #10 FY-24: Yes, Alan. Negative satisfaction. GDP up.

The word ‘Qantas’ received more bad media mentions last week than Chairman Dan has in a year. How did the Yes, Alan chairman of Qantas respond?

Well, Richard Goyder hastened to How To Keep My Job as Chairman In A Crisis For Dummies, a bright yellow tome that sits on the bookshelf of most listed company chairpeople. And ripped open the Panic Envelope glued on the inside front cover.

Wry & Dry #8 FY-24: 40 years in the desert. Photo of the Year. No Russian mushrooms.

Moses had 40 years of wandering around the Sinai desert. His budget had red ink as far as the Red Sea, as demands upon his goatskin purse became larger. An ageing population, shrinking revenue base from date and palm sales, the need for increased defence spending to counter Egypt, that nearby wannabe world power, and his ballooning NDIS costs all caused grief.

But, with the help of manna from heaven, after those 40 years he somehow led the Hebrews to the land of milk and honey.

Wry & Dry #7 FY-24. “No child will live in poverty.” Trumpster the mobster. VinFast what?

When the Indians are circling your wagon, the lessons of Politics 101 are clear. Divert attention away from the Indians until the cavalry arrives. What better diversion than a big, ‘nation building’ policy.

Former PM Bob Hawke was a master at this. Readers will remember either of “no Australian child will live in poverty” and/or “we will plant one billion trees.”

Wry & Dry #5 FY-24. Trumpster smashes own record. Phoenix Team. US credit downgrade.

What proud citizen of the USA would not want a president who admitted to a business relationship with a porn start? Really, it’s about free speech. And free trade.

Or one whose high intellect and sense of history meant that building a personal library of really historic documents was really understandable.

And now, conspiracy. Really? What’s the fuss? Who in politics hasn’t conspired before, during or after office?

Wry & Dry #1, FY-24: Some of it was cricket. Foster country. Headhunters.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a batsman who is unhappy with the method of his dismissal will cry that it wasn’t “in the spirit of the game.”

And so it came to pass that in a recent cricket Test match, English batsman Bairstow was silly enough to leave his crease when the ball was still in play. He was correctly dismissed (“stumped”).

An outburst of outrage not seen at Lord’s since the Great Pimm’s Shortfall Crisis of 1926 then arose.

Wry & Dry #41: Russian rebellion. Irony. Upsetting the treasurer 101.

Today, there isn’t a person in the world who is not familiar with Russia’s highway M4. And that it starts on Rostov-on-Don (more-or-less) and finishes in Moscow, some 1,100 kilometres away to the north.

It was along this stretch of mostly wide and smooth asphalt that Yevgeny Prigozhin’s private army (Wagner Group) commenced its threat to Tsar Vlad’s restful night’s sleep. It left the difficult terrain and unfriendly people of Ukraine for the ease of a paved road and reasonable cafes.

Wry & Dry # 40: He quit. Banks’ win-win. Seek.kp.

A Senate report accused PwC of “obfuscation, intimidation and unwillingness to give full and frank explanations.”

Of course, Senators never obfuscate, never intimidate and are never unwilling to give full and frank explanations. Of course.

Wry & Dry #36: Ceiling restored. “I’d like to thank…”. Five more years.

Make no mistake, some individuals at PwC should end up either in the slammer or fiscally eviscerated. For either or both the original crime and then the cover up. Those bean-counters clearly didn’t spend their formative years studying history. How could they not have known that former US president Richard Nixon was shredded for the Watergate cover-up, not the crime?

Wry & Dry #34: Sleepy Joe’s real reason for not coming. How to paint a debt ceiling. Cane toads?

Sleepy Joe has decided to cancel his trip to have gumnut tea and a lamington with Albo. His acolytes speak of the need to negotiate the raising of America’s ‘debt ceiling’. Nuh.

The real reason is the worry that Sleepy Joe might fall victim of the food on the Jetstar flight to Sydney.  And return to the US in a more horizontal position than is usually found on Jetstar. Then Armageddon: Kamala Harris would get the gig in the White House, at which she has already been measuring up curtains. 

Wry & Dry #33: Number numbness. Trumpster – another first. Hurt feelings.

Well, it didn’t take too long for number numbness to set in. It was at 7.36pm. At that point, on Tuesday’s alternative-to-sorting-out-the-sock-drawer, Treasurer Grim Chalmers tossed his first use of ‘billion dollars’ into what was a Thermomix of a budget speech. As best man Tom said of his speech at the second of four weddings that were made into a movie, “there’s a little in it for everyone.”

WRY & DRY #29: Dreadnoughts, Never x 5, Stadium envy.

The very earnest Leader of the Opposition Peter Dutton still doesn’t get it. The Coalition will be on the wrong side of the House for at least the next election and probably the one after that. So, surely, he should not act like a Leader of the Opposition, but rather put down markers as the alternative Prime Minister.

WRY & DRY #28: Sorcerer. Besties. Millions.

Three and a half weeks ago, Apprentice Jim Chalmers presented to the world his pleasant sounding but really vague ‘objectives of superannuation’ paper. But as each new subsequent morning dawned, he found that he had become the Sorcerer’s Apprentice. It started as a theoretical ‘shoot-the-breeze’ exercise that would lead to a rational way to increase taxes on some superannuation investors. It soon turned into a media circus, the RPM of which was daily increasing.

WRY & DRY #27: Tsar Vlad’s Butcher’s Bill. Sleepy Joe’s train ride. Grim Jim’s super Trojan horse.

Twelve months ago today, Tsar Vlad told his lads to park their tanks on a neighbour’s lawn.

The problem was that the neighbour got grumpy; showed spirit; had some powerful friends; and Tsar Vlad’s well-oiled military machine was found to be, well, an embarrassment.

A 56-kilometre single file of Russian tanks and trucks stuck in a traffic jam on the road to Kyiv would have comical if not for its deadly purpose.

Wry & Dry #23. Bumper Christmas Issue.

Impersonator of the Year: He lacked the beard, his biceps were flabbier, his girth was greater and his footwear sturdier. But otherwise, Morrison saw himself as a modern Moses. To lead Australia into the new world.

Wry & Dry #21 Seeking privacy. Surrender. Price caps.

The current “something must be done” panic by Albo over energy prices shows that Albo is ill-prepared to manage ‘events’ over which he has little control.

His thought-bubble of energy price caps is now floating to the clouds, untroubled by process or clear thinking. Y’see, he has walked into a trap of his own making.

Wry & Dry #20 Rebellious delusion. Marbleous Dan. Liveability.

Readers will know that Victorian premiers can be memorialised by a statue at we-the-taxpayers’ expense after 3,000 days in office. Chairman Dan can hardly wait until 21 February 2023.

Nor can his “I-Stand-with-Dan” acolytes. They and their descendants will be able to stand with Dan’s statue into eternity.

Wry & Dry #17. SMSF demonisation. COP-27 is in Asia. Peak crazy avoided.

Over the years, there have been many federal ministers who had no idea about their portfolio. Whether Liberal (Scott Morrison, Prime Minister), Labor (Jim Cairns, Treasurer) or National (Barnaby Joyce, any portfolio), the list is long.

But in these modern times, Readers would expect deeper talent, especially in matters fiscal. Err, no.

Wry & Dry #16. Greta of Arc. Twitter is not Tesla. Mid-term.

The “election steal” cry will re-emerge from the rabbit hole of internet conspiracy theories. The candidates who campaigned on a platform of ‘electoral integrity’ will, if they lose, ape the Trumpster’s mantra. And bleat “we wuz robbed.”

Wry & Dry #14: Bumper issue. Outlasting a lettuce. Budget? Smudge it. Back to the future.

The last two weeks have unarguably been the UK’s biggest unforced humiliation since Suez. After the UK gilt market and sterling collapsed, she dumped her ideological newbie Chancellor of the Exchequer; agreed to overturn polices she backed days earlier; and fired her Home Secretary (is there an Away Secretary?). It was only then that her parliamentary colleagues began to wake up from their afternoon snoozes at their St James’ clubs. And looked at the latest polls.

Wry & Dry #12: Time to invade. Football club follies. Turning.

Imagine that you are the Chairman of a struggling inner-suburban football club. The club concerned has a proud history. Sadly, in recent times it has fallen on ‘ardship, which a previous administration had attempted to overcome by injecting its players with cocktails not heard of in the best bar at the Ritz Carlton.

WRY & DRY #10: The lights have dimmed.

Death unites all in a family. No matter how big the family.
And so the English speaking peoples and those whom they touched will, for a moment, be united in memory of a remarkable woman.

WRY & DRY #4: If you are under 45 you don’t know…

So the Trumpster returned this week to a hero’s welcome from an audience that sees him as only a little less than a saviour that came down from the cross. Which contrasts to his own view of that he is actually The Saviour.

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Wry & Dry #3: Unemployment plummets, ATO happy

The folk at the ATO are depressed most of the time. Imagine that your sole purpose in life is to extract dosh from every worker and many non-workers. Nobody is going to invite you around for dinner. Or to meet the future parents-in-law.

But help is at hand. Thanks to the massive anti-pandemic and Allow-Me-To-Buy-Your-Vote fiscal stimuli, Australia’s unemployment rate has plummeted to a 48 year low of 3.5%.

WRY & DRY #2: Borisgonski

Borisconi was straight out of ancient Greek central casting. He was blessed by the gods with brilliance, breeding, ambition, (in his youth) good looks and easy charm. But the gods also gifted him flaws: arrogance, dishonesty, explosions of childishness and a wandering sexual appetite.
“Whom the gods would destroy they first make mad.”

WRY & DRY #1: Happy New (Fiscal) Year!

Macron usually faithfully follows a strict order of priorities: 1) his own place in world history; 2) photos of him taking his place in world history; 3) him being crowned Emperor of Europe as the logical successor to Charlemagne.

WRY & DRY #44: The right to bear arms…

Borisconi may see himself as a latter-day Thatcher. His hair probably has as much product in it as hers. But that is where the comparison ends. Thatcher was never one for turning. Borisconi has changed wives/ girlfriends only a little less than he has changed his mind. And like him, formally, simultaneously maintaining more than one wife/ girlfriend, so too he can simultaneously maintain more than one position on any single principle.

Wry & Dry #43: The Sky Is Falling…

Australia has arguably the world’s most diverse and abundant supply of energy, with the exception of Tsar Vlad’s empire. But somehow, this abundance has gone pear-shaped this week

Wry & Dry #42: 3 June 2022

It wasn’t a successful trip. Emperor Xi’s Minister for Foreign Affairs, Mr. Wang Yi, had booked an all-expenses paid tour of eight sunny, friendly Pacific Islands. The factor 50 sunscreen and Emperor Xi-emblazoned budgie smugglers had been packed, and the Out of Office message switched to ‘on’.

Wry & Dry #41: 27 May 2022

Notwithstanding all the money spent, all the hours worked and all of the collective thinking, the Teals were so successful in the election that they failed.

Wry & Dry #40: 20 May 2022

Wednesday’s 4% fall on Wall Street was not caused by the rumour that so-called ‘Teal’ candidates had formed a political party and might win a majority in tomorrow’s Australian election.

Wry & Dry #39: 13 May 2022

Finland is expected apply to join NATO next week. NATO will accept. Tsar Vlad will get grumpy and rattle his rusty sabre.
Whilst NATO’s current borders with Russia are tiny, Finland adds a further 1,340 kilometres. Thus, Tsar Vlad’s desire to curb the expansion of NATO by invading Ukraine has achieved the exact opposite, and gone down his gold-plated toilet.

Wry & Dry #38: 6 May 2022

The Chief Teller of the Reserve Bank didn’t fall on his sword, as he might when he raised interest rates by 0.25% points on Tuesday. After all, he did say last year that rates wouldn’t rise until 2024. Only missed by, well, two years.

Wry & Dry #37: 29 April 2022

With headlines normally reserved for the death of a princess (or the marriage of one), the media feverishly leapt on Wednesday’s news that Australia’s inflation hit 5.1%, the highest since, well, the last time it was this high.

Wry & Dry #36 22nd April 2022

Wry & Dry chose sorting his sock drawer over watching the first election debate between PM Jimmy Morrison and Wannabee PM Albo. And having read the media reports on the wordfest, he senses he made the right decision. And is moved to ask the question, “Is this is as good as it gets?”

Wry & Dry #35: 8 April 2022.

For O’Bama, it’s always been about O’Bama, forget anybody else in the room. For Sleepy Joe, gotta hang in there, old man. No matter who actually makes decisions for you. Just gotta last until November 2024.
Kamala Harris has the removalists on standby.

Wry & Dry #34: 1 April 2022

Solomon Islands? Where? Not since former Minister Julie Bishop, Cinderella-like, lost a left Jimmy Choo shoe somewhere in London has there been so much activity in the Department of Foreign Affairs.

Wry & Dry #33: 25 March 2022

The polls are showing that Jodie Haydon will soon be measuring up the curtains in The Lodge. But Jenny Morrison likes living in The Lodge, and so she has given Jimmy the task of winning the election. Jimmy cannot possibly go home to an unhappy Jenny. What to do?

Wry & Dry #32: 18 March 2022

The Chief Teller of the US central bank hoisted US interest rates by a modest 0.25 of a percentage point. But no-one in the US is asking the US government to save them from this inflation. There are no demands for tax cuts to relieve ‘cost-of-living’ pressure. However, Australia is not only in another hemisphere, it is also on another planet.

Massive bumper Christmas Issue. Wry & Drys of the Year.

Wry & Dry looks back at a year highlighted by the suffocating imposition of Chairman Dan’s view of freedom and PM Jimmy Morrison’s ability to never miss an opportunity to miss an opportunity to show sound judgement.